Family Avoids Thanksgiving Conflict By Just Listing Podcasts They’re Listening To For Three Hours

Article By Jeff Wolfthal

The Calm Before The Storm

Anne Arundel, MD – This Thanksgiving, In a simple 2-story Suburban home much like any other, the Campbell family has accomplished a feat once thought of as impossible in the modern age: had a peaceful family meal. No, this was not a “found family friendsgiving”, nor was it small nuclear family gathering; it was a large multi-generational gettogether of blood- relatives, spouses, and friends who span the social and political spectrums. In a world where conspiracy theories, insurrections, and Twitter have driven families apart, how did the Campbell family manage to maintain harmony for an entire evening? According to Felicity Campbell, the matriarch of the Campbell clan: “Spotify”.

“Last Christmas we signed up for the Spotify family plan…” explained Mrs. Campbell, “…and we discovered this new phenomenon called Podcasts, and it’s just so much fun to talk about what we’re listening to!”

“I love D&D, so I’ve been listening to The Adventure Zone (Balance, of course), Not Another D&D Podcast, Ship of FooIs, Dungeons And Daddies….” rambled one of the twenty-somethings at the table in a recap of their contribution to the 120+ minute listing spree that had occurred.

There was a single moment of tension during which the Campbells held their breath: Danni O’Brien, the wife of the 7th youngest Campbell brought up NPR, but the scare was short-lived when it turned out they were talking about the humorous gameshow podcast “Ask Me Another “, and not actual news content.

According to the Eldest Campbell, Elmer, a Navy Veteran and great -grandfather of 2 in attendance “I didn’t understand a damn thing anyone was saying, but they sounded happy and I didn’t have to make any small talk with my grandson’s new partner…” (a term he learned to use at last year’s more tense meal), “…so I’ll consider it a good day.”

No grades were discussed, no current events analyzed, and Elon Musk wasn’t brought up once, but everyone left with full stomachs, tupperware of leftovers, and 873 recommendations that they will certainly never look into no matter how vehemently interested they seemed.

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Jeff Wolfthal is not sponsored by Spotify… but he wouldn’t say “no” if they offered…

‘Defund Police’ Slogan Traced To Fire Department Softball Playbook

“NYPD Vs. FDNY Charity Baseball Game” by peterjr1961 is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

New York, NY– A recent investigation has uncovered the origins of the “Defund The Police” slogan that has gained nationwide attention and momentum through social media. It would seem the phrase was introduced into the American consciousness not as a solution for widespread police brutality and systemic racism, but rather as a tactic for the Fire Department to finally win a softball game.

Well known for their good-natured rivalry, it has long been believed that the two departments deeply respected each other and worked together towards the safety of the city they served; however current events have lead many to believe the Fire Department has won, as they don’t frequently shoot people.

But has this been the Fire Department’s plan all along?

A copy of the FDNY Softball Playbook reveals the “Defund the Police” strategy to have been in development since 2007 when the famous Brooklyn Blowout ended in a no-hitter for the Bucket Brigade. Originally a catchy nickname for a triple-play with men on first and third, the “Defund the Police” stratagem developed over time into a skulldugerous venture with the goal of reducing NYPD’s available team members and making it harder for them to practice. By 2019, the plan had extended to getting inside agents on the City Council, and employed by the Parks Department. While the Novel Coronavirus outbreak seemed to have canceled the 2020 Softball season, FDNY coach Pete DiPeppe was determined to enact the hard-fought plan with a single tweet to his fellow team mates that simply read “Defund the Police”. Unfortunately for DiPeppe, this tweet took on a life of its own and has become a rallying cry for millions of Americans who hope to eliminate the needlessly disproportionate number of deaths People of Color face at the hands of police officers every year.

When reached for comment, DiPeppe said “ In your face, NYPD! I mean yeah, justice for all those people is real nice too.”

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Jeff Wolfthal is still wating for them to arrest the police officers who killed Breonna Taylor.

Germany Calls on McDonald’s To Stop Their Cultural Appropriation of Hamburgers

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Geneva, Switzerland– In an effort to curb public outcry over rampant cultural appropriation, German Ambassador Gerald Albrecht has requested that American company McDonald’s cease their sales of Hamburgers. As an American company named after a family of Irish immigrants, it has been deemed inappropriate for the chain to continue sales of a product which originated in Germany and is named after a German town. In order to be more culturally aligned, McDonalds will now serve mutton and corned beef; and can’t serve potatoes for 4 years once a decade.

“We have been told that we must show respect for other cultures by allowing them to exist in a vacuum. Our previous notion of cultural integration bringing the world closer together was apparently deeply flawed. Instead, if your culture didn’t specifically invent it, you can’t use it.” explained UN Cultural Attache Zachary Burk. “We look forward to the new unity found in this societal separation.”

Similar efforts have lead to a serious upheaval of western civilization. Followers of the Norse religion are now demanding that anyone who is not Scandinavian find new names for the days of the week, Greece is taking back the alphabet, and India is no longer allowing the rest of the world to use the concept of the number Zero.

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Jeff Wolfthal is culturally inappropriate.

NRA Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Arming Teachers Gives Gun Manufacturers Big Government Contracts

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Loesch breaks the hard news to the NRA of their good fortune

Washington DC– NRA spokesperson and part time boggart Dana Loesch gave a press briefing today to extend her “sincere gratitude to all the brave politicians who choose to better fund America’s gun industry… I mean school security.” Apparently the federal increase in military spending was insufficient to aid the struggling weapons industry, but beholding to their core conservative values, they did not ask for a bail out “…like those pinko commie car companies in 2007”, but rather used their substantial influence to push the executive and legislative branch to call for the arming of school teachers, which would coincidentally grant them beefy government contacts. “Well what do you expect? The government to protect our schools at retail price?” Stated Loesch incredulously.

“Our first priority is our children’s safety. I guess it never really crossed my mind that companies that produce fire arms, and therefore fund my organization so we can financially support politicians that support the gun business would ever benefit from it. Well isn’t that a weird accident!”

Loesch concluded with a somber moment to reflect on the real tragedy of gun violence: “You know what does suck? How much gun sales skyrocket directly after a mass shooting. It’s like someone keeps telling folks that the government is going to take their guns away, so they should stock up now. That’s a total bummer.” Loesch then went back into her dark wardrobe where she will stay until she takes a new form at the next American tragedy.

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Jeff Wolfthal is a straight shooter with a bow and arrow…

Groundhog Sees Reporters, Predicts 6 More Years Of Climate Change Denial

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Pittsburgh, PA– Everyone knows Punxsutawney Phil, the prognostication-inclined ground dwelling mammal native to Western Pennsylvania, and his tradition every February 2nd of having a human alarm clock pry him out of his home so he can get to work on time. A creature you might be less familiar with is Pittsburgh Ralph, Phil’s more politically astute nephew. While Phil occupies himself with weather-related climate prediction, Ralph is more concerned with the political climate.

“Ralph has always been a smart kid…” Explained Phil through his interpreter, “…but he’s too serious. People get so touchy about politics. If he was smart, he’d get in the weather business like me. Be cute, run from a shadow, take some pictures, and no one gets mad when I’m wrong!”

This year, in a way, Ralph took his uncle’s advice. Based on coverage of Phil’s annual event, news headline statistics, and careful study of Twitter, Ralph believes that we are still in for 6 years of not only climate change debate, but dominance of denial viewpoints.

“I love my Uncle…” Stated Ralph through an interpreter in a press briefing, “… but the fact that more Americans believe a groundhog can predict the weather than believe in scientific studies that point to dramatic climate shifts is, and should be, alarming.” He then began to chew on the paper that the report he somehow managed to type with his adorable little paws was printed on. It was saved by the interpreter, and Ralph was put back in his study/ burrow for another year.

While this report seems bleak, it is comforting to know that the alternative finding could have been 3 more years of people going “Live” on Facebook.

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Jeff Wolfthal has a hard enough time believing in himself, much less intuitive squirrels.

Friend Who Shared Political Meme Just Making Sure He Still Believes Right Things

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Topeka, KS– When Eric Hunter awoke on the morning of January 20, he wasn’t entirely sure how to feel. Eric is a white male, 24 years old, and working as an entry level sales administrator for a local firm. Much of the past few months have been a haze for Hunter who describes attempting to navigate the complex geography of personal relationships as akin to “skateboarding downhill in a snowstorm while trying to catch a Tauros in the Safari zone when your Gameboy is about to run out of batteries. At night.”. In other words: hard.

“Everything is so weird these days. You can’t go two minutes without hearing, seeing, hell even smelling people getting into a political argument,” explained Matthews. “I have opinions too, but I don’t want to lose friends over them, so I did what anyone would do. I opened up Facebook, found the first meme that made me chuckle, and shared it.”

Much to Eric’s joy, a majority of friend gave his post a positive response, accumulating 20 “likes”, 5 “loves”, and an outlying “angry” response, which even our crack team of experts cannot discern if it indicates anger at the post, or at what the post was pointing out.

“Sharing memes makes being politically astute is so easy these days!” Rejoiced Hunter who now feels confident in his views.

Jeff Wolfthal only uses social media to share these stupid articles and for other shameless self promotion.

Social Media Users Long For Days of Food Porn and Banal Statuses

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Literally Everywhere– Subscribers to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and even Snapchat have found themselves trapped in a crate of disillusionment, langour, ennui, and various other pretentious words  as of late. Despite this over-abundance of SAT words creating their existential coffin, even Words With Friends players seem to be suffering. The cause? The 2016 Election for President of the United States Of America (as well as many other government positions, but who is paying attention to those, really?).

America’s impending election has lead to a gradual shift in social media use over the past 2 years from frivolity to fervor. An international thinktank, Social Trends Findings Unravelled (STFU), has studied this phenomenon as it has… unravelled. “What we once mocked as a depository for cat photos, emo song lyrics, and tales of impressive trips to the bathroom  has become a breeding ground for social and political conflict,”stated STFU researcher Kim Maslov. “Social media gives everyone a voice, everyone thinks their perspective is universal truth, and this has lead to many users taking themselves WAY too seriously. It’s a digital Molotov Cocktail out there.”

STFU research indicates that while social media posting has skyrocketed, active users have declined, as has original content. “Most of social media is now just people sharing articles from biased sources that support their opinion. A lot of users are tired of it and are ‘rage quitting the internet’. “

According to Julie Grady, a recovering social media user “If I just wanted to get yelled at and watch people fight, I would have stayed on Xanga.”

“Can all this just be over?” implored Mark Zuckerberg, creator of Facebook. ” Facebook was supposed to be about making friends and awkwardly hitting on them with the ‘poke’ button. Now I feel like I’ve created a monster. This must be how Einstein felt about the Atomic Bomb.”

Jeff Wolfthal wants you to know that if you share this, he’ll put you in his Top 8.

Nation Pauses To Remember Those Who Died In Military Service, Then Promptly Forgets Death Is A Bad Thing

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

United States Of America, North America — Flags flew at half staff, memorial services were held, and Hot Dogs were char- broiled beyond recognition Monday in honor of American soldiers who fell in the line of duty. These are the traditional hallmarks of Memorial Day, a National holiday in the United States. More modern traditions of celebration include pointed outreach via social media:

While you enjoy your cookouts and beach trips, remember who died so you can.

– @magnolia_fan

Omaha beach wasn’t a picnic. Remember that while you’re giving yourself skin cancer at the Jersey shore.

-@Coppertone

Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women. That’s the American spirit. That’s what countless men and women died for. May they be drinking mead in Valhalla.

-@SamEagle

What is remarkably absent from this year’s Tweets, Instagrams, and status updates is any indication of a desire for the cessation of any more deaths. Despite the United States currently having military deployments in multiple active combat zones, and a recently advanced bill that would expand Selective Service, few United States citizens felt compelled to speak out against sending more young people to meet a similar fate to those being remembered.

“It is a matter of image, really,” explains Megyn O’Hare, a social media specialist from grade 10 at St. Andrews High School. “Like, everyone wants everyone else to know that they know what they should know about the holiday… It’s about the past, and remembering; when has that had anything to do with the future?”

“Fallen soldiers are heroes; the world needs more heroes. If you don’t like heroes, you’re a commie terrorist.” admonished a talking head whom, by no fault of his own, had his draft deferred during Viet Nam… twice.

Meanwhile, world government leaders and military contractors rejoice in the fact that citizens no longer feel morally compelled to call for an end to bloodshed, just as long as they can feel morally superior to each other.

God, Satan Decline Association With Politicians

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Artist's rendering, as neither being's essence can be contained in a mere photograph. (It broke our camera)

Purgatory, The Divine Dimension — After months of gossip and speculation, Yahweh Allah Adonai (“God” to his followers), and Lucifer “Satan” Morningstar (first of the fallen) have released a divine statement distancing themselves from American politics. For the first time in modern record neither being spoke through prophets nor heavy metal music so that there could be no mistake, debate, or attempt at misinterpretation.

“I really wish I could take some of the credit for this circus…” joked the lord of Hell as he produced an e-cigarette from thin air, “…but I swear to this guy next to me that I haven’t influenced anything in the United States since I got Jersey Shore green-lit for 2 seasons.” According to the King of the Pit, none of the current presidential or legislative candidates are servants of his, operating under the influence of the hoards of the damned, or have entered into pacts with demons of the crossroads at the cost of their eternal soul. “Any and all of the evil or suffering caused by these ass-monkeys is on you folks. Enjoy!”

The King of Kings addressed the assembled crowd next, however it was less speaking and more of a collective understanding which was instantly injected into the mass consciousness. What the gathered immediately understood could be transcribed eternally as “You’re on your own, kids; so please stop asking. Trying to bargain is even worse: ‘If you do this for me, I’ll never masturbate again…’ Sorry, doesn’t work that way. And that includes the Super Bowl and the World Series.”

With that, the Great “I Am”, and the Prince of Tempters parted ways leaving the congregated spectators to contemplate the futility of prayer and the consequences of truly free will. Many sunk into despair, a few rejoiced, and one twenty-something male shouted “I told you so!” He was shot immediately.

Refugee Politely Declines America’s Offer For Asylum

Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Stock photo of a confident middle-eastern-ish woman

Homs, Syria– Amid years of unrest and an exceptionally volatile few months that make Rambo look like Princess Peach, hope is on the horizon for a few fortunate souls looking to flee wartorn Syria. For one hopeful, Amena Kattan, the doors to the Land Of The Free were opened, and she graciously said “thanks, but no thanks.” and gently closed them behind her like a child who just walked in on her Uncle Greg doing cocaine in the bathroom at Thanksgiving.

“The United States was actually my ‘Safety Country’.” Kattan explained. “I got their acceptance letter a few weeks ago and honestly I got a bit of expatriotitis. I knew I was out and that was all that mattered; but then at the last minute, I got an acceptance letter from my ‘Dream Country’ : Canada!”

When asked how she made her choice, Mrs. Kattan divulged some secrets of the refugee displacement process. “Well I got to take a tour of America, Canada, Germany, and Turkey. Everyone from Syria goes to Turkey these days, so I felt like I’d be running into all the same old people from my home village; and I want a genuine fresh start. America had a lot of diversity, but as soon as I disembarked from my group’s raft, the Immigration and border patrol was just plain rude. I think they’re just insecure about being rent-a-military. America just didn’t have that welcoming/family feel I want from my next country. Germany was my ‘Realistic Country’ because they’ve become very culturally tolerant and open since their whole genocide thing a few decades ago. They remind me of what I know Syria can be like in the future. Unfortunately, the whole blonde-hair-blue-eyes-thing is still prominent, so I stick out like a sore thumb. In Canada, my tour group was welcomed with beer, maple syrup, and Alanis Morissette CDs. Some people even got scholarships if they agreed to play for the Maple Leafs! I was also wowed by their Administration. Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, Indigenous people, and more all working together in high-ranking bureaucratic positions! It’s nice knowing they can put their differences aside for the common cause of inconveniencing the people they govern.”

As to what she is most excited about, Amena told us brightly: “Snow! Not ash covering the village from a night-long bombing, but actual honest-to-Allah snow!”

The rest of Amena Kattan’s family are still waiting to hear from a country. Her 7 and 11 year-old children are hopeful.