Article by Jeff Wolfthal
Geneva, Switzerland — Up until now, many considered the Zika Virus to be the only contender for the top spot on the World Health Organization’s annual chart of pathogens racing to eliminate you from the face of this planet like the sentient zit you are, but in a surprise upset consistent with the way the rest of 2016 has gone, the actual winner is a threat no one really took seriously. Reappropriatus Civilica, or as its commonly known: The Hipster, is currently ahead of Zika, Dengue Fever, and West Nile in terms of rate of spread in Developed Countries. And let’s face it: those are the only countries anyone really cares about.
Dr. Hugh Rosenblum, a WHO virologist, explained the gradual rise of Hipsters over the past decade:
“Most prevalent in urban areas, it is common knowledge that it originated in Portland, Oregon. What many may not know is that it is the direct result of a convergence of Smug from San Francisco, and Starbucks-induced existential dread from Seattle. These forces mutated into the common Hipster, and spread to the east coast via ‘wanderlust’, a common symptom of the condition.”
What is particularly concerning to the WHO is that Hipsters are now spreading into rural areas of the United States, as well as European Cities such as London and Barcelona, which are areas previously thought resistant to this sort of infection. The most terrifying aspects of the Hipster pandemic is that it affects both the host body, and the local geography.
Dr. Rosenblum provided us with THE TOP 5 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOUR CITY HAS A HIPSTER OUTBREAK, which, if we lacked integrity and were prone to click-bate, totally would have been the title of this article.
5. Gentrification. The Hipster tends to take hold in economically impoverished areas as they offer the least resistance. It will establish its base in the form of a coffee shop that rivals Starbucks in price but is totally out of place in the chosen neighborhood. As future hosts are lured in, the original Hipster releases a pheromone that makes people think the run down building and found furniture decor is “urban Chic” or “making a statement”. Then, like an old white woman to a Murder She Wrote marathon, young people are drawn from surrounding areas, quickly followed by opportunistic architects and business. Before you can say “Flat White Americano”, the once depressed urban area now has a cute nickname and high end thrift stores.
4. Flannel — the most immediately recognizable symptom. If someone looks like they’ve never chopped wood in their life, but have a different flannel shirt for every day of the month, you definitely have a hipster infection on your hands.
3. Microbreweries— not all aspects of the Hipster pandemic are negative. They do make damn good beer.
2. Influx of exotic cuisine— especially if your town is so White it probably had Friday night lynching parties in the town square into the 1960s. The food is good and diverse, it will anger old racists, and it is necessary for the survival of the Hipster.
1. Specialty Stores that nobody wanted but now somehow can’t live without— Indonesian Christmas cards, Bacon t-shirts (both about and made out of), even ceiling fans hand-made out of naturally sourced heroine needles. Nothing can escape the hipster’s need for self-servingly niche crafts.
Remember, the hipsters greatest weapon is obscure popular culture from a time before they were cognizant enough to know what their no-no parts were for. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Jeff Wolfthal loves craft beer and pop culture.
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