Monthly Archives: February 2018

NRA Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Arming Teachers Gives Gun Manufacturers Big Government Contracts

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Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Loesch breaks the hard news to the NRA of their good fortune

Washington DC– NRA spokesperson and part time boggart Dana Loesch gave a press briefing today to extend her “sincere gratitude to all the brave politicians who choose to better fund America’s gun industry… I mean school security.” Apparently the federal increase in military spending was insufficient to aid the struggling weapons industry, but beholding to their core conservative values, they did not ask for a bail out “…like those pinko commie car companies in 2007”, but rather used their substantial influence to push the executive and legislative branch to call for the arming of school teachers, which would coincidentally grant them beefy government contacts. “Well what do you expect? The government to protect our schools at retail price?” Stated Loesch incredulously.

“Our first priority is our children’s safety. I guess it never really crossed my mind that companies that produce fire arms, and therefore fund my organization so we can financially support politicians that support the gun business would ever benefit from it. Well isn’t that a weird accident!”

Loesch concluded with a somber moment to reflect on the real tragedy of gun violence: “You know what does suck? How much gun sales skyrocket directly after a mass shooting. It’s like someone keeps telling folks that the government is going to take their guns away, so they should stock up now. That’s a total bummer.” Loesch then went back into her dark wardrobe where she will stay until she takes a new form at the next American tragedy.

Jeff Wolfthal is a straight shooter with a bow and arrow…

Groundhog Sees Reporters, Predicts 6 More Years Of Climate Change Denial

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Article by Jeff Wolfthal

Pittsburgh, PA– Everyone knows Punxsutawney Phil, the prognostication-inclined ground dwelling mammal native to Western Pennsylvania, and his tradition every February 2nd of having a human alarm clock pry him out of his home so he can get to work on time. A creature you might be less familiar with is Pittsburgh Ralph, Phil’s more politically astute nephew. While Phil occupies himself with weather-related climate prediction, Ralph is more concerned with the political climate.

“Ralph has always been a smart kid…” Explained Phil through his interpreter, “…but he’s too serious. People get so touchy about politics. If he was smart, he’d get in the weather business like me. Be cute, run from a shadow, take some pictures, and no one gets mad when I’m wrong!”

This year, in a way, Ralph took his uncle’s advice. Based on coverage of Phil’s annual event, news headline statistics, and careful study of Twitter, Ralph believes that we are still in for 6 years of not only climate change debate, but dominance of denial viewpoints.

“I love my Uncle…” Stated Ralph through an interpreter in a press briefing, “… but the fact that more Americans believe a groundhog can predict the weather than believe in scientific studies that point to dramatic climate shifts is, and should be, alarming.” He then began to chew on the paper that the report he somehow managed to type with his adorable little paws was printed on. It was saved by the interpreter, and Ralph was put back in his study/ burrow for another year.

While this report seems bleak, it is comforting to know that the alternative finding could have been 3 more years of people going “Live” on Facebook.

Jeff Wolfthal has a hard enough time believing in himself, much less intuitive squirrels.